God's Tight End

It’s true, man. I mean, like it or not, here is the truth:
It is God who makes me a great football player. It is so obvious, right. I can feel it all the time but especially when that ball floats into my hands. Everybody is taken care of every minute if they want to be. All you got to do is accept Him into your life and he is there. That’s it, man - The Truth.
Think about it, if he weren’t always there he wouldn’t be all knowing, would he. He sees you, man. He sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake. He even sees you when you’re taking a dump. He sees you when you walk around the house naked. You can bet on it. God is the ultimate voyeur.
I mean your life is just a like replay film for God, ya know? I mean, you know this deep down – you are a star in your own film and God is watching.
You know he is there. Think of all the times you talk to him without even realizing it. When you get angry, you ask him to damn something, right? And how many times do you ask him, “why me?” And what do you say when you are having an orgasm, huh? "Oh, baby, oh, yes, Oh God! Oh, Jesus,"Oh."
I mean look at the fine chicks he sends me, man. You think that has nothing to do with the fact that I give him credit for my touchdowns. He likes to see me score. And who do you think makes that orgasm so fine? Man, he is so proud of that piece of work, he makes you holler his name.
Now some of you are going to hell because of what you say to God. Why, ‘cause it pisses him off when you say shit he doesn’t like and don’t give him his due sometimes. Did you ever notice how you feel the next day after you been drinking and carousing all night? Huh. You think maybe he is sending you a little message. He wants you to say, "thank you", man. Not ask him, "why me?" It is his way of reminding you that he's the man.
Just look at all the houses of worship in the world. There are more churches and temples and stuff than MacDonald’s and KFC combined. You think he doesn’t want that? Who inspired all those architects and builders and decorators and goldsmiths and carpenters and stuff? Some people think they are doing it for money, but it is God who is paying them, dig? He is sitting up there going, “Dig another foundation, put up another stone tower, dig some more marble, cut down some more oaks, make it bigger and grander and higher and – oh by the way, add a little more air-conditioning this time. And make sure you pay those athletes right, they are my people.
You know it’s true that he has a master plan, you know it. That is one reason there are so many different religions - ways to worship him. It creates competition. Just like we have so many teams. He invented capitalism, religions and sports for this reason, and he made us competitive for the same reason. Sports stadiums are kinda like churches, think about it. And look at the attendance.
That’s why he is helping me win games, man. God gets the credit. That’s why he cares about my touchdowns, you see?